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Pop culture confessions: Secret desires! Shameful lust!

August 26, 2010

I have a heaviness in my soul, dear readers; an aching, secret shame that I feel I can no longer contain.  I must let it out of its cage so I can walk once again with the sunlight on my face instead of slinking away into the shadows and fog. I know some of you may consider me to be an arbiter of pop culture at its finest; as someone who rises above the common and banal and waves the flag for a quirky potpourri of the mainstream and the left-of-center and dispenses it to you here in delicious, bite-sized morsels of pop culture delicacy. And while much of that is true, there are lies hiding behind those truths, seeking to sully my reputation of good taste and even better sense. But I cannot hide it any longer, from myself or from you, gentle readers! I must say it loud, even if I can’t say it proud, and let the world know my terrible, dark secret!!

Okay, so all drama and stylized writing aside, I wanted to write a post about celebrity lust that focuses not on the celebrities we all agree are okay to drool over, but the ones that we have harbored a secret desire for. The ones we know our friends and peers wouldn’t approve of – that they’d even mock and shame and deride us for! It is one thing to boldly declare a desire to eat hot fudge off of Ryan Reynold’s abs, to tongue-bathe Paul Rudd’s nether regions or to get plowed like a field of corn by Daniel Craig. (Damn, is it getting hot in here?) But who among us is courageous enough to confess the carnal desires they hold for the celebrities that few of us would admit to wanting to get naked with? The celebrities that would cause those around us to groan in disapproval if they new the filthy thoughts we harbored for them. Well I, loyal readers, am just that brave. So read on if you dare, as I share the sinful, secret celebrity desires I have held in my heart! **This post will probably contain some NSFW stuff. You have been warned!**

Kip Winger: Oh, Mr. Winger! Lead singer of the “hard rock” band Winger – so original! – how your hairy chest mesmerized me as a youth. It was your secret weapon and you wielded it like a master. Sure, I had more acceptable objects of lust like Tom Selleck to focus on in my pursuit of the hirsute. But at the bursting-with-hormones age I was when you hit the scene, I couldn’t really be choosy because I wanted to see as many acres of hairy man-chest as I could possibly feast my eyes on! And let’s be honest, I still do. So when you sauntered onto my MTV screen in your ripped tank top and your no-shirt-on-underneath leather jacket, I was helpless to resist. I wanted to be the girl who was only seventeen and whose daddy says she’s too young but she’s old enough, old enough for thee. So who cares if real metal fans would call you a pussy to your face and that you swung your guitar around more than you played it. You rocked that chest hair like nobody’s business and I was raising my lighter in salute. And yes, you can totally make that a boner innuendo if you want to.

Bob Hoskins: Hello, daddy! I know Bob Hoskins is of a far higher caliber of celebrity than the above mentioned Mr. Winger. However, at the tender age of 15 when I first laid eyes on him in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, there was no way it was acceptable to be attracted to a short, hairy, barrel-chested man who was 31 years my senior! Sure, I wasn’t exactly telling anyone that I was attracted to men at all, but I came out 2 years later, so let’s not split hairs. But even today I questioned whether or not I could let the world know of my lustful feelings for this barrel of a man. (Who still looks pretty damn good today, if I do say so myself.) But in opening up my soul to unleash these secret desires I found that I am not alone. And I also found a video on YouTube of Mr. Hosksins showering in some movie or another. It’s probably NSFW, but I’m not at work, so here ya go!

Gerardo: What can I say? MTV giveth and MTV taketh away. In this case, they taketh away the last few shreds of my dignity by making me admit how much I used to lust after Mr. Rico Suave himself. God! It’s almost unbelievable to me even know. There’s so much wrong with Gerardo: the ever-present bandana, the horrible long hair, the purposely ripped jeans (although I am not mad at the bit of thigh he’s flashing) and the non-stop thrusting of his crotch in his one-hit-wonder music video. And yet. What can I say? My taste in men has always been all over the map. And somehow, despite the horrendous nature of his hit single, I was completely mesmerized by Gerardo and his glistening upper body. Granted, looking back on the video now I would want to tie him up, shave his head and burn his wardrobe before anything sexy happened whatsoever. But actually, that sounds like some fun foreplay, so bring it on! Watch the video if you dare!!!!!!

Dennis Rodman: Anyone who knows me knows I don’t really give a good goddamn about sports in any way. But it was hard to ignore Dennis Rodman in his heyday what with the Manic Panic hair color, the insane amount of tats and, well, the often seemingly desperate pleas for attention. But as much as he often seemed to be stirring up controversy for the sake of controversy, I actually admired him for being a black man in professional sports who fucked with gender and sexuality in a very open, obvious and unapologetic way. Whether it was genuine or just a put-on to get attention, it was cool to see him destabilize so many things with his highly public antics. He also made some questionable choices when it came to dating (Madonna, Carmen Electra). But then, you know, there was his carved-out-of-marble body that made it hard to stay mad at him for long. And now you can watch said marble-carved hotness in a video for his PETA ad campaign, in which the animal rights org once again creepily juxtaposes highly sexualized imagery alongside the slaughter of innocent animals. Kinky!

Red Hot Chili Peppers: Yes. You read that right. The entire band. Look, I’m not proud of it, okay? That is the whole point of this entry. I was never much of a fan of the Peppers’ music – although I did enjoy a tune or two. It was a little too heavy on the slap bass and the faux-rap singing and the white boy funk for me. But the Peppers themselves were also very heavy on the nudity/near nudity (like the infamous socks-on-cocks live shows) and that suited me just fine. What can I say? I’ve always had a thing for scruffy, tattooed guys and that describes them perfectly. And while I had a really elaborate fantasy going in which I, ahem, provided them with “service” while they were on their tour bus, the main focus of my RHCP lust was Flea. There has been more than one man in my life that has embodied some of his physical qualities and he still kinda does it for me to this day. So for all the cheesiness of them wanting to “party on your pussy” or “suck your kiss”, I won’t even lie when I say I wanted to be in a big ol’ Chili Peppers manwich.

Steven Tyler: Shit. This one is the hardest of all to admit. There’s elements of cringe and cheese and such to all of the above mentioned dudes. But in light of this one in particular, they are all stellar and totally acceptable examples of lustworthy, shame-free celebs. But in all honesty, Mr. Tyler is why I thought of writing this post to begin with, so I must include him or the cleansing of my soul will be incomplete. Let me start by saying this: I think Steven Tyler is actually painfully unattractive. In looking for a photo to post with this part of the entry, it was hard to find a photo that didn’t make me wince. But here is the thing: my lust for Steven Tyler was focused around a very specific piece of media and the almost uncontrollable response it generated in me. And that piece of media is the video for the Aersomith song “Dude Looks Like a Lady”. In the video Mr. Tyler is wearing one of his trademark skintight jumpsuits and is clearly going commando underneath. Now, in re-viewing the video it’s not like the guy is packing major heat. But there’s definitely a motion in the ocean. And, at 14 years old and desperate for images of men that were at all sexual, that crotch of his had me hypnotized! Remember kids, this was long before the days of copious male nudity on True Blood and other such easily accessible media. You all have it so easy now with your free Internet porn and your men-as-sex-objects culture! But back then it was all about a glimpse of Bruce Willis with his shirt off on Moonlighting to get a young faglet through those cold, lonely nights. Or, in this case, Steven Tyler’s crotch. And he honestly won’t leave the damn thing alone. It was the most obvious display of penis happening in my limited media world and I was all about it. Today? Not so much. But like I said, I must confess.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nf0oXY4nDxE&ob=av3e}

And now, my lovely readers, it’s your turn! Use the comments to share with me some of your shameful celebrity lusts – of any gender – and cleanse yourself of your hidden shame once and for all!!

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. colin permalink
    August 26, 2010 10:40 am

    this was my “dude, looks like a lady”:

    it didn’t hurt that he was wearing leather, either.

  2. August 26, 2010 10:49 am

    STEVEN TYLER SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I have had nightmares about his mouth.

    My embarrassing crushes: I actually can’t think of any anymore. I know I had a lot when I crushed on celebrities, but…. hmm. I remember my high school friend having a fairly hilarious crush on Tony Blair (sorry, Emily).

    • August 26, 2010 11:49 am

      Oh I have no doubt that sexual relations with Steven Tyler ends with him swallowing you whole in his gigantic maw.

  3. James permalink
    August 26, 2010 12:48 pm

    Dude, I am totally feeling you on the Bob Hoskins secret desire. Infact, I may need some alone time with that video posted ha!

    Of course there’s this whole other thing about Bob that is a huge turn off for me – fat fingers. I don’t know what the eff it is? It’s like some people are repulsed by feet, or something – for me it’s fat hot dog fingers. Ugh.

  4. Aisha permalink
    August 26, 2010 3:31 pm

    Flea is pretty damned sexy 😉

  5. August 26, 2010 7:03 pm

    Are we the same person? Seriously, I love Steven Tyler. He is really fun and funny. When I saw Aerosmith at the Great Western Forum (tells you how long ago it was!) he had the best between song banter in the bidness. He’s a good sport and surprisingly vanity free.

    Also, if you haven’t seen Mrs. Henderson Presents – um. yeah, see it quickly. Dame Judi and Bob Hoskins!!! Hot!!! Also, love him in Mermaid

  6. August 26, 2010 8:38 pm

    Best blog entry ever.

    I’ll need you to remind me of any embarrassing celeb crushes from back in our college days, because honestly I can’t remember any. OH except Dave Grohl.

  7. August 26, 2010 8:39 pm

    I did have a photo of Poison Idea up in my locker in high school. Does that count?

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